Becoming Me

Several years ago I wrote a blog post about The Face In the Mirror. You can read that here:  I wrote it during a time when I felt like my world was coming to a very destructive end.  I was trying to wrap my head around the woman I had become, the wife, the mother, the friend.  I was dealing with deep heartache and desperate for a change.  After rereading it tonight, and having three and a half years distance between the me I was then and the me I am now, I can feel the deep depression that was in that post.

I am so glad I sought professional help during that time.  Life was almost unmanageable.  But there was always one constant component that has been there throughout my entire life.  I was able to turn to prayer and Jesus and God and cry out in the wilderness and find help.

These three years have been years of growth, I have experienced many joys and outrageous blessings.  Miracles have happened for those around me. I can truly say that when I look in the mirror in the mornings as I am getting ready for work that I like the person that I see.  I see a new, renewed, blessed, loved, cherished, adored, beautiful woman.  I see a work in progress, that has been saved for something wonderful.

For the past two years I have enjoyed a new and creative outlook on life.  I have started drawing regularly doing ZIA art (Zen-tangle Inspired Art).  I am drawing much more regularly than I write my blog. With the drawing that I have undertaken I have actually sold a couple pictures.  I find it amazing that someone would purchase something that I draw.  What I find even more amazing is when people I know, that I have shared my drawing with, introduce me to someone new and they introduce me as an artist.  I want to look around to see who they are talking about.  It surely can’t be me they are talking about. I once had an art teacher transfer me out of her class because she said I didn’t have enough talent to be able to pass her class.  I wonder what would have happened had she had a different outlook and saw the potential instead.

So, the title of the blog today is “Becoming Me”.  I am evolving, learning, growing.  I am becoming comfortable with who I am.  The face in the mirror is happy.  The destruction of the past is just that the past.  Part of the evolving has been taking on the writing/drawing challenge I have given myself.

The first writing project is my autobiography, writing about my life and events that shaped the person I grew up to be.  This has proven to be more difficult that I thought.  I truly thought I could sit down and write that story in the three months of summer.  Boy was I wrong.  I had to do some research on things.  Some events in my mind really happened much quicker than I remember them and others not so quickly. Along the way I have had to take mental breaks, I had to set the computer aside for several  months along the way because what I was writing was becoming much too difficult.  And so far the book is not complete.  I am on Chapter 23 of what I hope is a 31 chapter book.  But it needs a lot of work, it needs more balance, more of the good stuff to offset the bad stuff.  So as I go along with the writing of the book I am in continuous edit mode.  Adding in those things that were fun, the laughter, the tears, the fighting, the chaos, the noise, those have been challenging.  However, the actual writing of the most difficult things has helped me to heal.  I have found a peace now that I didn’t have before.  I don’t have the manic memories that come barging in unexpectedly, triggered by something trivial.  I feel blessed, and my heart feels at ease now.  I was telling someone the other day that when I first started writing the book I felt like I was supposed to share it with the world.  But now, I am at the point that it doesn’t matter if I ever get it published.  It is healing a broken part of me.  It has truly been a release to me.

The second writing project is one that has not even been written yet.  The drawings that I do, when I show them to people they say, “you should illustrate a book” or “have you ever thought about illustrating a book?” or “I have a book that I would love for you to illustrate”.  So, I have decided to illustrate a book.  The only thing is the story has not been written.  The pictures I am doing will determine where the story goes.  I am using the same character throughout “Gemma the Giraffe”, it has been a challenge because the face and colors have to be the same in each picture. I am so glad that I am drawing a giraffe and not a person (faces floor me).  Before I am done I will need to have 16-20 pictures.  I have four drawn.  The first one is totally complete, the second one has one more detail to complete (just waiting on pens in the mail), the third one is half way done (I need some additional colors that I don’t have), and the last is still in pencil form – just beginning. As the project has taken shape I have shared my pictures with my husband and a few friends.  He told me the other day that he thinks he’s more excited about this project than I am.  I just feel blessed that he sees the broader picture and has been so encouraging.  My poor dining room table is just filled with ink pens of all shapes, sizes and color.  And I want more.

I find it refreshing that I am becoming me at my age.  Finding a new talent, exploring new avenues, sharing blessings, feeling loved, being encouraged, finding new friends, learning to love me for all my quirks, habits, hang-ups, hurts, and odd-ball humor.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. tric
    Feb 07, 2015 @ 17:07:49

    What a great feel good post to read. I’m so glad your creative self is coming to the fore as I think writing, and drawing are hugely healing.
    Go you. Keep us posted.



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