Reflections on the Last Couple Years

I am amazed at how different one year is from the next or from the last.  Two years ago there was so much turmoil and despair that I didn’t know how life could go on.  I was standing on the edge of a cliff, holding on to the end of a rope, and it was frayed so badly that one more little tug would have broken it and I would have fallen over the cliff.  As they say I had one foot out the door and the other wasn’t far behind.  I was in that fight or flight mode and I had chosen flight.  I had fought all the fight I could emotionally fight and was ready to give up.  I was headed home, back to the place where I had grown up.  Ready to seek solace in the familiar, leaving everyone and everything behind.

Then in a week or a month the turmoil started to change, it started going away.  How could I give up on something that I had spent a lifetime building and praying for.  I needed to be able to say that I didn’t just walk away, believing that all my prayers were wasted.  I didn’t want to believe that I was without trust, I needed to know that my faith was something real and that God could step in and take over.

This last year has been a learning ground.  Learning to trust again.  Learning to believe again.  Rebuilding the things that were torn apart.  Learning how to love again.  Learning how to shed the anger, the disappointment, the fear.  Learning how to forgive.  The biggest was learning trust.  Learning to expect truth and find that I was getting it.

This last year has finally started to feel normal.  Normal in a way that it hasn’t for such a long time.  I started to become the person I was years ago.  Strong, independent, able to stand up and stand on my own.  Not afraid of change, but willing to accept that some changes were not needed.  I didn’t do it on my own, I sought help and had a wonderful counselor that helped me work through the pain and anger.  I started opening my mouth and saying what I was thinking, even when it made others uncomfortable.  I am learning that there is much more damage to myself emotionally when it is held in then when it is voiced, as long as it is not voiced in a confrontational attitude.  When asked as a question, the only option is for the other person to answer or turn away.  That is their choice, and their choices are not my responsibility.  They do not reflect on me or how I act.

Do I expect the next year to be the same as this one?  I can only hope and pray that it is even better.  That life’s little surprises can only be better and that the dreams and goals that we strive for are much more than we can ever imagine.  I pray that my faith continues to grow and that I continue to learn how to leave it all in His hands.

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